I don’t know exactly where I’m at with music. Honest. The essays I’ve compiled on this website have served as exercises in reflection and commitment. When I started studying music as an amateur back in high school, all I understood was the final essay of this project, the personal side. Classical music was my partner. When I entered college, so many things changed, as they do for young adults going through major transitions. The practicing, the competition, some of the toxic characteristics of the classical music industry; so many things compounded into a massive burnout last year, particularly with the rise of COVID and no public performances for a long time.

 

When school started to resemble normalcy and I got to perform for people, I started feeling very confused. I thought this was it, that I was going to quit and transition into a field more divorced from the soul. Work was going to be purely for making a living, and that was gonna be it. 

 

But then I started performing with people again. I was around people driven and in love with music, and the love was contagious. I went from subscribing to coding websites and looking at community college courses to watching Berliner Philharmoniker streams and recording videos for competitions. I started listening to music again. I practiced trombone religiously, but started to think about the music rather than the muscles or the mind.

 

And then it came time to pick a topic for this course. I really couldn’t imagine writing about anything different than this experience, but I had no idea what the reader would (or should) take away from this. As I started writing, it quickly made sense to me that the goal shouldn’t necessarily be to have an explicit message at the end. I wanted the reader to experience all of the conflicting feelings I have about the industry and the artform, so once they reach the end they have a better understanding of not just what classical music is in the modern age, but a better understanding of me. And maybe, although I don't have the answers now, I better understand myself too.